Loathsome Christmas Songs

So in trying to capture the Christmas mood yesterday, I was listening to FM100, a Utah radio station that believes that Christmas should start every year at Veterans' Day. And for about a stretch of thirty minutes, they played nothing but the worst Christmas music I've ever heard. I'm just not convinced that this season brings out the best in the star performers today, although I'm willing to concede there is some good stuff out there from big players on the music scene today.

So I thought I would compose a list. I've heard all of these songs within the last few days, and all of them make me want to throw myself out the nearest window. These are the songs whose master tapes should be buried in a 600 foot hole out in the Bonneville Salt Flats, never to be seen again.

Of course all of these songs are on YouTube. Click on the links below to listen to them...if you dare.

With no further ado, Vox Civitatis presents the most loathsome Christmas songs in history, complete with commentary!

• "A Wonderful Christmastime" by Sir Paul McCartney. He's a great musician - one of the best of our time - but really, what was he thinking? The Queen named Paul Knight Commander of the Order of the British Empire. Did she know about this song? Take that medal back, ma'am.
  
  
• "All I Want For Christmas Is You" by Mariah Carey. The faux jazz band brassiness of this song is beyond the pale. Besides, does every star need to produce a Christmas album? (The answer is "sure" if they have something worth singing!) Furthermore, Diane Ross she ain't.
  
  
• "Chipmunks' Christmas (Don't Be Late)" by Alvin and the Chipmunks. God never intended chipmunks to make albums, and now we know why. Although the video is funny.
  
  
• "Christmas Canon" by the Trans-Siberian Orchestra. I think they meant for this song to give people the chills, and that's what it does for me, but not in a good way. There's a long tradition of adapting someone else's music, but covers and rearrangement should be creative, if not as good as the original. This is a rendition of Pachelbel's Canon in D Major that's been hit by a train. But the video is cool! Complete with children dressed in white, and fog machines! Yeah.
  
  
• "Christmas Eve - Sarajevo 12/24" by the Trans-Siberian Orchestra. Here's the story behind the music. Oh, but this piece is soo ponderous, as if Christmas were a Michael Bay or John Woo movie. The worst part is that this awful, awful song get so much radio play. The video clip is of a christmas light show at someone's house -- timed to the music. Classy, huh? For more tract home yuletide extravaganza set to Trans-Siberian wonderment, check out "Wizards in Winter." I know these people mean well, but really - who let this orchestra out of the Gulag?
  
  
• "Christmas Shoes" by NewSong. Oh I suppose the song speaks for itself. But it's about a poor boy, his dying mother, the kindness of strangers, and Jesus. Each of these things are worth singing about, but in one song set to a slow, romantic country beat, complete with a childrens' chorus at the end? Um, no. Never. Check out the video...I hate to say anything bad about it, because it's so...earnest. But the song still sucks.
  
  
• "Happy Birthday Jesus (A Child's Prayer)" by Little Cindy. My friend Danny introduced me to this song on an album of unbelievable christmas songs compiled by John Waters (peace be upon him). My first thought was, "Is this for real?!" Apparently, it is. Creepy!
  
  
• "Last Christmas" by Wham! Now George Michael has done some great music, and he's made some questionable calls in his personal life but goodness, this song is probably the worst decision he's ever made. Ever.
  
  
• "Mary Did You Know?" by Kenny Rogers and Wynonna Judd (and lots of others - this song's here to stay). Oh, she knew allright. That's what made her Mary. She also knows that this song is treacly pap.
  
  
• "Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree" by Brenda Lee. Recorded in 1960, this song has stood the test of time, and who knows why. Sure, it's iconic. Sure it has an iconic beat and rhythm. Sure it invokes nostalgia. But so do fuzzy dice, but that doesn't mean we should all put them in our cars, does it? Send this song back from whence it came!

Which songs did I miss? Surely there are more. Do you like a song that I hated? Leave a note! And...Merry Christmas.